I heard someone say this statement on TV about a month ago or so. As you can see, I’m still mulling over this one. This person (I wish I could remember who it was!) said it in response to a question regarding the key to her success.

Is this a new buzz phrase like “shift your paradigm”?

Anyway, ever since I heard this phrase I’ve been asking myself, “Am I living my truth?”. And, then I’m asking, “What the hell does that really mean, ‘living your truth’?”

For me, it means that you are being yourself in every moment, not hiding. Is that how you would interpret that statement?

That seems really hard to do. Maybe I’m the only one, but I don’t let just anyone in and see the complete Jenni.  Some trust has to be earned first. Yeah, I have rejection issues. I will admit that sometimes I still feel like the awkward 7th grader that just wants to fit in and not be rejected. Part of that girl has never left me.

So . . . . . Am I living my truth?  When the hubs and I were talking about it (after I told him my post topic), I told him that I honestly didn’t think that I was assuming my definition of the statement was accurate.

Why? The big one that popped into my mind immediately was church.

I confessed to my husband that once the kids stopped attending Sunday school, that I would probably no longer attend church. He was surprised by my statement, and in turn, I was surprised by his surprise (3 surprises in one sentence!). I suppose that’s the first time that I have voiced this aloud to him.

By the way, I’m not an atheist – I would call myself spiritual. I am open to the idea of a higher power, so it’s not that. It’s the rules and constraints of organized religion. The concept of “it’s my way or the highway”.  Christianity seems like an all or nothing proposition, right? Either you believe there is the one and only way to heaven or you don’t. Either you believe that Jesus is the Son of God or you don’t. Fence-sitting is not going to get you everlasting life.

Other than the love I feel for my friends and family, I’m not 100% sure of hardly anything in my life (My kids would roll their eyes at this one – to them, I appear to be very certain on most things).  And, I’m a little wary of those people who are. How do you grow and evolve if you’re not constantly questioning?

I feel that by attending our church (I’m a practicing Presbyterian, by the way), I am tacitly agreeing that my Jewish friends are doomed or that I whole heartedly agree that there is one way to heaven or – you get the idea. I can’t reconcile taking communion and feeling the way I do.

The hubs offered up the idea that maybe I wasn’t unique in this regard. Maybe that’s so, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like a big faker each time I go to service.

I heard someone on the TV say that she believed in all paths to God. I really like that statement and it makes more sense to me.

Anyway, you may be wondering about my children – I have always been honest with them on my feelings toward organized religion. I’ve also told them that they need to figure it out on their own – I will not tell them what to believe when it comes to something as personal as faith. They love Sunday school, Bible study, church camp, caravan, and their church friends and I won’t be the one who gets in the way of this.

I do have many friends and family that have what I call “true” faith – these are people who attend church because it’s meaningful, not because they want to be “seen”. These are people who have shown me that their faith truly has helped them through really tough times. These are the  people who accept the Doubting Jenni “as is”. However, I’m sure some of them are praying that I eventually come around (right, dad?).

I’m not dismissing faith and religion all together – I have witnessed the meaning and comfort it brings to those in my life.  And, my church does really nice things for the community and the church members. I can’t argue with that!

I guess, if I were living my truth, I would stop attending church because I’m tired of pretending. But, I won’t because I still have my kids at home and they really enjoy it. Shhh. . . . I will have to continue with my little scam for a while.

Wow, I feel like I just sat in the confessional (and I’m not even Catholic) or just came out of the religious closet! 

Are there other areas where I may not be living my truth? Maybe. . . . .but, I have rejection/trust issues as I eluded to earlier and we’re still just getting to know one another so I will leave those for another day. 🙂

What does “living your truth” mean to you?