Monthly Archives: March 2010

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Jack and the Talking Snowman

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The chipmunk story has generated other memories of the many funny family stories we have experienced since our oldest was born in 1994.  Children really know how to make things interesting! I am taking this opportunity to put another one of our favorites in writing so we remember it properly.

This story happened at a work Christmas party hosted by my husband’s prior employer and I think it was December 2002.  It was a family friendly party held at Conner Prairie Interactive History Park.  Rachel was 8, Maddie was 5 and Jack was 2 1/2.  There was a dinner in the big banquet hall which was insane since there were a lot of little munchkins running around and parents trying to herd the munchkins, etc.  Then after the dinner, we were all invited to tour the grounds (while still herding our toddlers!).  Conner Prairie is a living museum which is a re-creation of an 1830’s prairie town – the staff dress, act and speak as if they are in the time period and they do not break out of character.

  

snowman

Okay, so back to the story.  To set the scene – the weather was cold, a little windy and lightly snowing.  The property looked picturesque in the dark with the lights and Christmas decorations.  We began roaming from building to building listening to the characters describe their lives and what they do, etc.  Okay, so we get to a building (bakery?, residence?, I just can’t remember so we will go with bakery) and all 5 of us walk in.  There were already about 15 others in the small, cramped hearth area of this bakery.  Mike was holding Jack so he could see since we were in the back of the room (Mike and Jack were standing behind me and the girls).  The prairie “character ” was a portly woman and was donned in a dress, bonnet and apron from the time period all in creams and whites (see above picture and picture a more rounded woman).  She began her spiel and all of sudden, I hear the sweet voice of my little Jackie say in his most excited LOUD tone (as if Bob the Builder were right in front of him), “SNOWMAN, DADDY!  SNOWMAN, DADDY!”

  

I turned around and gave Mike the eye, like “can you shush him?”.  I don’t think at that moment that I had heard exactly what he said.  But then, Jack cleared it up for me when he blurted again, “SNOWMAN, DADDY!  SNOWMAN!”  I turned around again and I saw my husband in tears from laughing so hard while also trying to hush the boy who was pointing and shouting.  Jack would not be satisfied until daddy matched his own excitement level and acknowledged how cool it was that there was a talking snowman in the front of the room!! Now, in Jack’s defense, if you look at the picture of the snowman and the picture of a portly 1830’s woman dressed all in creams, you could see the resemblance to a 3-section snowman.

Mike kept using the universal SHH sign – putting his finger to his lips to no avail.  You would think that by the 3rd child, we would have figured out by that time that this sign is usually ignored by toddlers. 

So, Jack not being deterred and still utterly unsatisfied with Mike’s ho-hum attitude toward the most amazing thing that this 2-yr-old had ever seen, did this:  Jack grabbed Mike’s face (one tiny hand on each of Mike’s cheeks), turned Mike’s face toward his, leaned in nose to nose and whispered “snowman, daddy….. snowman”.  Of course, in Jack’s 2-yr old brain he was whispering while in reality he was not.  That’s when Mike completely lost it and decided to take Jack outside for some fresh air because that boy would not be silenced! 

I’m sure Jack was thinking that we were complete idiots because we had failed to appreciate the fact that we were in the presence of a talking snowman and how often does THAT happen in someone’s life?!  How could he get through to us?  Well, by being loud and repetitive, of course!  I try that with the kids even now (being loud and repetitive with my requests) and it really doesn’t work.

It seemed like this went on FOREVER, but I’m sure this whole episode lasted about 10 minutes or less.  We really don’t know if the 1830’s character heard the Engledow commotion in the back of the room or not,  but it was a really small room and I’m sure everyone heard it.

It is hard to express in words how funny it was at the time.  We still whisper “Snowman, daddy! Snowman!” every now and then to each other and it always gets a giggle.

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The Engledows vs. The Chipmunk (circa 2004)

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Let me take you back to the Fall of 2004 – this is story that I have meant to put in writing ever since it happened.  We are still living in the house where the infamous battle took place – it was epic.  Rachel was 10 (5th grade), Maddie was 7 (2nd grade) and Jack was 4. 

DAY ONE:  One evening during the work week, we all came home and everything seemed normal until we walked into the family room.  All of the mullions from our family room windows had been knocked from their places and were laying on the couch, all of the items we had on our fireplace mantel were knocked over and ransacked, and the mullions from the windows in our master bedroom were also askew.  It was crazy – nothing was stolen.  What had happened?  Mike did his duty as the man of the house and checked out the entire house to make sure that there weren’t any strangers lurking in dark places. We were all safe – Whew! 

Later, away from the kids, Mike confessed to me that he thought we had a critter problem.

DAY TWO:  The next day, he borrowed a Havahart trap from his parents so we could catch the mystery critter.  Again, we all came home from our usual places.   Again with the mullions askew, the fireplace mantel ransacked, etc., etc.  As we were upstairs getting on our comfy clothes in order to put our house back together, I opened our closet door and there it was! It was a chipmunk!  I screamed, slammed the closet door, and we shoved a towel under the door thinking that would trap the animal!  Yeah, right.  They can get through spaces smaller than a thimble.  So, Mike got the trap, quickly opened the closet door, placed the trap in the closet, slammed the door and replaced the towel.  We were going to catch a chipmunk!

We did the usual that evening – ate dinner, played with the kids and went to bed.  The girls were somewhat aware that we had a critter on the loose, but Jack was not.

DAY THREE:   The next morning, Mike carefully opened the closet door and the trap was empty.  Now what?  Was it still in the closet?  Doubtful. Where was the ding dang thing?  Well, we just did not have the time to worry about it – we all had places to be.  We would just have to deal with it when we got home in the evening.  But, how?

Once again, here we are home from work and school, dinner eaten, and no chipmunk sighting.  Was he still around or had he decided to torment another family?   Just when I was beginning to think we were going to have to survive another evening with the enigmatic critter, things started to get interesting.  Mike and I were in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner, Rachel was in her room upstairs and Jack was in the family room when Maddie yelled from the stairway, “Mommy, Mommy?!” 

Me:  “Honey, what is it?”

Maddie:  “My poop looks funny.”

Me:  “What!?”

Maddie:  “My poop looks furry.”

Me:  “FURRY?”

Back Story:  We found out about a year after it happened (why we were talking about it a year later, I can’t tell you) that BEFORE Maddie shouted down for help from Mommy & Daddy, she went to sissy for help first.  She did her business, flushed the toilet and the flushing wasn’t working (for obvious reasons). Concerned, she went and got her sister, Rachel, for a consultation. 

Maddie:  “What do you think?”

Rachel:   “I don’t know, what did you have for a snack today?”

Maddie:  “Fritos.”

Rachel:  “That’ll do it.”    [What?!  What kind of Fritos had Rachel been snacking on?!]

Mike looked at me with that knowing look.  I still hadn’t quite caught on.  Then, he said, “I think it’s our critter.”  Of course, I’m thinking, “NO WAY!”  We slowly crept upstairs and looked in the toilet . . . . . .  YEP, it was a poop covered chipmunk.  Well, you can imagine what happened next – we all broke out in extreme laughter!  Maddie had thought her poop had gone awry and it was just a sad, dead, really dirty chipmunk.

Well, how does one retrieve a poop covered chipmunk from a toilet?  We conferred a bit and Mike decided that the combination of a Target plastic bag and a pair of tongs would be best.  Now, as Mike was plucking the chipmunk from the toilet, his parents called so I told them what was going on and, of course, they found it funny and somewhat hard to believe.  We hung up and not 1 minute later, Mike’s sister, Beth, called to talk to Maddie about her experience.  Then a 1 minute after hanging up with Beth, Mike’s other sister, Sue, called to interview Maddie.  The Engledow phone chain was in fine working order (and it is faster than the speed of light)!

There were many questions surrounding the demise of the chipmunk – Mike thought he had committed suicide.  I guess we will never know.

The Christmas of 2004 was very interesting for the Mike Engledow Family.  We received a handmade board game that included tongs and chipmunk, as well as, 5 pairs of tongs (most of which are still in use to this day). 

I know that the story seems incredible, but many will swear to its authenticity!

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The Mom, the 4th Grader and the ISP (aka Independent Study Project)

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Independent. Study. Project.  Those may be the three most dreaded words whispered in our house.   My son, Jack, has been in the challenge program at his current elementary school since 2nd grade.   It is a program of accelerated learning and the kids in this program do the ISP every other year.  For Madeline (our middle one), it was 3rd and 5th grade.  For Jack, his rotation has been 2nd and 4th grade. 

The ISP spans 8 weeks of the school year – the kids have to pick an issue/problem to study, interview an “expert” in the topic, write a 4 to 5 page type-written paper, prepare a  “product”, prepare a tri-fold presentation board and give a 10-15 minute presentation to the class.    Did I mention that my son is 9 years old and in the 4th grade?  I don’t think I did anything like that until high school!  My son is super smart, loves math and science, loves to read, and HATES to write.  We made it through the 2nd grade ISP (topic = Jupiter)  with a large amount of micro-management (he was 7 yrs old!).  Third grade was a blessed relief and, now, here we are in the thick of another ISP. 

His topic of choice – Breast Cancer.  What?  I have discussed the breast cancer diagnosis of my best friend’s sister at the dinner table, but it wasn’t a reoccurring topic of table discussion. I tried to steer him toward a cancer topic that impacts children because I thought it would be more interesting for his classmates,  but he made a U-turn and would not be deterred.  So, here I am talking with my son about breasts, menopause, self-breast exams, estrogen, mammograms, etc.   I haven’t even had these discussions with my daughters!  Mike was like, “Testicular Cancer was already taken?”. 

Jack and I are complete opposites on the organizational scale (there should be an official name, like the Richter Scale) – I’m psycho and he’s mister “Whatever” (very similar to his father which makes our marriage work, weird, huh?).  This time around , I thought I would not micro-manage, you know, let him be a big boy and  take care of it himself. Right?  Okay, so we are about 5 weeks into the project, and on Monday (day after the store and green bean travesty), I decided to check on the status of the project: 

ME:  “Hey, buddy!  How are you doing on your timeline?  Can I see it?  Oh, your 1st draft is due this Friday? 

Jack:  “Yes, Mommy.”

Me:  “How much do you have done of your 4 pages? 

Jack:  “One. “

Me:  “ONE!?” [mommy tantrum and you can imagine the rest]. 

Okay, so now I’m back in management mode (trying not to get to the micro level).  So, we sat and got a game plan together regarding his paper.  He seemed grateful because I think he was truly overwhelmed by the scope of the project at hand.  And, remember he HATES writing.  He also types with one finger as I’m sure most 4th graders do and thus, the one page of the four-page paper. 

Tuesday, March 16th:  Jack forgot his project folder.  [mommy tantrum]  But, he was able to work on his paper because most of his research was from web sites  like WebMD.com, BreastCancer.org and the like.

Wednesday, March 17th: Again, Jack forgot his project fold  [I’m speechless with frustration]  So, he had to reprint the web sites (oh, the ink cartridges!).

Thursday, March 18th (night before the 1st draft is due):  Jack forgot the folder AGAIN!  For Jack’s sake, he stayed after school for something else and was able to retrieve the folder.  He put his final draft together (see prior post about the Thursday dinner).  So, the 1st draft of the paper was now complete.

This weekend begins the creation of the tri-fold poster board  presentation and the “product”.  Well, to Jack’s credit, he has made a layout of the presentation board on paper so he is thinking ahead (yeah!) and Mike will be assisting him in this part of the ISP – I mean, he is the architect, literally, of the family.  He does this for a living. I’m exhausted and it is time for some job-share.

Originally, for the Product, Jack wanted to do prepare a PowerPoint presentation, but I talked him out of it (more typing and pictures of what, breasts?).  So we needed another Product, I suggested maybe a magnet for the Mommies of his peers with some info on Breast Cancer health written on them.  Jack did agree to this alternate version of his dream of a PowerPoint on Breast Cancer (thank goodness since time is running out and he has one good typing finger).  I’m really glad he agreed to this because all of this has to be done by March 28th.    Presentations start on Monday, March 29th. 

Why do I care so much?  Well, Mike and I have talked about this many times.  We both agree that Jack truly cares about how he does in school, but the organizational skills required of him to be successful at the challenge level are higher than what he is able to give at this stage in his 9-yr-old life.   I know that  it is recommended that it is better to let our kids fail at this level than at the high school level where it truly matters.  They learn lessons, etc.  I agree with that premise when it is a child that is clearly capable and is not living up to his/her ability.  But, I am struggling with this topic with our little man because it is not a question of resistance, but a question of maturity.  You can’t MAKE someone mature because you want it.   Everyone knows that it is true!

I really do feel for him because sometimes he can’t play with the neighborhood kids after school because of his homework demands.  I do hope that this curriculum is worth it to our boy.  It seems to have helped Maddie quite a bit in junior high – she is very self-sufficient, makes almost straight A’s and doesn’t seem to struggle with written assignments, presentations, etc.  I’m hoping that he will also realize the benefits from this accelerated curriculum.

I love my little man so much and am trying to do the best by him regarding his schooling.  I have to say that we have not had any of these issues with girls, why is that?  Is it the difference in maturity between girls and boys?   I wish I knew!

However, what I can say is that Jack seems to take after his father in a lot of ways and that is not a bad thing!  Mike is a very successful human being as well as a businessman, so there is abundant hope for my little Jackie 🙂 

And, I need to RELAX 🙂

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My Cooking Mojo is Slipping Away

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Okay, I have to say that I’ve been pretty successful in preparing yummy, well-received meals day after day and week after week.  I have been on a roll, baby!  And, I’ve been getting a little spoiled.  It is has been awhile since I’ve made something that the family has requested to be placed on the “Never Make Again List”.   That completely changed this week.  Why?  I’m off my game and I’ve been mulling over why ever since dinner this evening (I’ll get to that in a minute). I’ve traced it back to the day that I found out my grocery store (O’Malia’s) was closing.

I wasn’t able to do my entire shopping trip at one store this past weekend because my store was closing and the shelves were bare – it really threw me off.  Usually when something did not make my carefully crafted  shopping list, going up and down the familiar aisles always triggered the “oh, yeah, I need that” reflex and I magically left the store with everything I needed (Okay, I may be exaggerating a bit).  Well, I finished part two (part one being the trip to my naked O’Malia’s) of my fateful grocery extravaganza of Sunday, March 14th at Whole Foods because it was the closest grocery store and I didn’t know where else to go.  As you know, Whole Foods is an organic shopping experience and I’m completely unfamiliar with the store (layout, what’s available, etc.)  I have to admit I was a little discombulated.  During the week, I had to go back to the grocery store 2 additional times because I missed some items on my list:  ketchup (Th meatloaf), chicken, orzo, arugla, lemons, yadda-yadda-yadda-blah-blah-blah!  I HATE grocery shopping!!

Sunday, March 14th Dinner:  Corned Beef and cabbage  / Green Beans.  I know, I should have had the corned beef on the 17th, but I didn’t!  Well, green beans are one of the few veggies 2 of my 3 kids will eat, so we eat them a lot.  I got online to find an interesting green bean recipe.  I had my 2 lbs of fresh, organic green beans and did something so awful to them that  my husband would not even eat them!   If Mike won’t eat them, then that means they are BAD!  (Here is the recipe so you know to avoid it (Green Goddess Green Beans).  I can’t describe how I felt after that dinner.  I got the “Hey, I really like that you are trying new things” pep talk.

Monday, March 15th Dinner:  Chicken Monte Cristo / Rice / Broccoli.  The Chicken Monte Cristo is a dish that I assembled at Dream Dinners.  After assembling meals at DD, you take them home and put them in your freezer.  Well, I forgot to pull it out of the freezer to thaw!  They do have “If Frozen” directions, so okay, I still fixed it.  I overcooked it – they were stuck on the bottom of the pan!  How did that happen?  I cook these things all of the time!  They were still edible (kind of ) and my family was gracious about it.

Tuesday, March 16th Dinner:  Not-sagna Pasta Toss (stove top lasagna – Rachael Ray Recipe) / Salad.  I make this every two weeks because my entire family loves it and it is easy.  I could make this meal in my sleep! Well, It was a little runnier than normal, how did I screw that up?  Also, the consistency wasn’t the same because I bought low-fat ricotta cheese.  I am trying to cook healthier at my house for all of us, but I’m never using low-fat ricotta cheese ever again.  My son, Jack, left a lot on his plate – he NEVER does that. 

Okay, so what the hell was going on this week?!  Every meal seemed to be getting worse.

Wednesday, March 17th Dinner:  Lemon Roasted Chicken / Dilled Orzo / Arugula Salad (click here for recipe).  The Roasted Chicken?  It was a hit and easy to make.  The Arugula Salad?  Also, another hit (my oldest suggested adding roasted pine nuts).  The Dilled Orzo?  See the note on the Sunday Green Bean disaster!  At Whole Foods I bought organic, whole wheat orzo.  My family was NOT a fan of the whole wheat orzo or the dill.  Again, my husband left it on his plate! 

I can’t remember the last time Mike left this much food on his plate!  I am really rattled at this point.  Well, Thursday is another day! Right?

TODAY, Thursday, March 18th Dinner:  Meatloaf (Bobby Flay recipe) / Bleu Cheese Mashed Potatoes / Asparagus.   I have made the Bobby Flay meatloaf recipe many times, but today I burned the top of it and possibly ruined a pan (it is soaking as I write).  Okay, distracted by helping my son with his Independent Study Project (another topic for another post), I almost set my kitchen on fire!  I’m helping Jack with his ISP and my middle one says “What is THAT smell?”.  “Well, honey, that would be scalding, burning potatoes that I was boiling for our bleu cheese mashed potatoes.”  My 3-quart Wolfgang Puck sauce pan is now junk!  I have made mashed potatoes a ton of times!  So, now we had charred meatloaf and no potatoes with dinner.  We had leftover rice instead.  At least the asparagus was unharmed 🙂

My sauce pan was burning, smoke was billowing everywhere and the downstairs smoke detectors were going off!  What an exciting afternoon.  I took the smoking pan outside and set it down on the deck in a panic because I had to run back in to tame the smoke detectors.  Once the noise stopped, I went back outside to get the smoking pan – I picked it up and guess what?  There is a nice round charred spot on the deck left by my sauce pan – Great!  Now, I’ve ruined my deck and my sauce pan.  Oh, brother.

After dinner, we were on our way to my middle daughter’s choir concert and I realized that I smelled like smoke (my shirt, jeans, hair, etc).  It wasn’t smokey bar smell, it was burnt food smell.  Another, Great!  I felt sorry for the people who had to sit next to me in the auditorium this evening.

What a week!  I’m afraid to go back in the kitchen –  I need to regroup before my weekend grocery trip on Saturday.   I need my mojo back 🙂

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The Closing of a Grocery Store

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Okay, so a grocery store is closing March 26th.  So What!?  Well, the store I’m talking about is my local Joe O’Malia’s .  This is the store of my choosing where I do my weekly grocery ritual.  The thing you need to know about me is that I really HATE grocery shopping, but I do it because, well, we need to eat to live.

Well, I walked into my local Joe O’Malia’s today to do my weekly ritual and guess what?!  I saw a sign on the door informing me that my store will be closing forever and that the last day would be March 26th!  The store located at 126th Street and Gray Road would be more than happy to help me after March 26th. What?  I wasn’t quite sure I understood.  What is that sign trying to tell me?

Thus, began my whirlwind flight through the 5 Stages of Grief. 

Denial:  I was in total denial.  I stopped, stared and re-read the sign.  Surely, they were announcing that they were just going to be closed on that ONE day, March 26th.  Of course, Whew! And, then they would be available to me again on the 27th.  Right?  So, thinking that all was right with the world, I continued on my way.

Anger:  Well, the state of denial lasted about 30 seconds and quickly turned to disbelief and anger as I walked the familiar walk toward the produce section.  Where had all the produce gone?  Where were the potatoes? avocados? asparagus?  I started hyper-ventilating.  Okay, calm down.  They were re-vamping the place and it was in a state of remodel.  Yep, that had to be it.  Well, it became increasingly clear as I walked toward the meat counter that the sign might be true (there were about 3 pork chops left).  The store was closing.  This stage of grief lasted the entire shopping trip (which was very short, BTW).  As I was headed toward the next phase of the grieving process, I started to get really angry again when I realized that I was going to have to go to another grocery store today to finish my shopping!

Bargaining:  Well, who could I bargain with?  The devil?  That was unlikely.  I really didn’t hang out in this phase of the grieving process.

Depression:  I am languishing in this phase.  I am depressed.  I had finally found a store that wasn’t HUGE , that special ordered items for me, where I knew the meat guys, the deli guys, etc.  I had the store layout memorized and that was how my shopping list was organized (I know, crazy, right? See first post).  It made the shopping trip go faster (remember, I HATE to go grocery shopping!).  The store was within walking and biking distance from my house.  If we forgot something, no problem!  Just run over to O’Malia’s!  Well, now where am I going to grocery shop?  All of the other stores near my house are the HUGE stores that are not personal and don’t take your groceries out to your car.  I’m going to have to memorize another layout!  I’m almost 45 for goodness sake – how can I be expected to do that!?  I’m too old and too busy!

Acceptance:  I’m not quite at this stage yet.  My husband is trying to fix it for me (as husbands usually do) and suggested that I go to the only remaining O’Malia’s left in Carmel.  I honestly try to go to the store only once a week and thus, my weekly shopping trips are meticulously planned and take awhile.  I do this to try to save money.  I used to go the to store almost every day due to lack of planning and would end up spending way too much on food that would ultimately spoil and go bad.  Since I now do one big weekly trip, my husband is encouraging me to travel across town to go to last remaining neighborhood grocery store.  I may just do that starting next week, but I have to mull it over.  I haven’t completely graduated to the acceptance phase.  Maybe “they” will realize that I would really like this store to stay open. . . . .

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Why am I blogging?

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Why am I blogging?  I have to say that I haven’t quite figured it out yet.  In the past, journals and diaries have never really held an interest for me.  However, blogging is very popular and trying to keep up with my children in the technology department is a goal of mine.  This might be one small reason, but it still doesn’t really answer  the question on why I started a blog. 

Do I want to be famous for blogging like Perez Hilton (really, what else is he famous for?)?  Not really.  Do I have provocative views on the topics of the day that people are dying to read?  Probably not.  Am I a wanna be journalist without a major in journalism?  Definitely not.  Am I a budding writer that enjoys putting pen to paper (so to speak) just for the love of writing?  Most definitely not – I’m a math major!

How did blogging get started?  Why are average people like myself blogging?  Well, I did a little research and found that this question has been asked repeatedly.  I came across this blog that addressed this question:  Why Do We Blog?.   I did find some interesting responses within this post and found that I was nodding my head a little while I was reading it.  One comment got me thinking – “Do I want affirmation and admiration?”  I don’t really think that is my motivation either.   However, I have to ask myself, “If I’m starting a journal/diary, why am I doing it online?”.  This leads to the next issue – Privacy Settings.

Setting up this blog has been a project.  What did I want it to look like?  Would the format represent who I am?  What colors do I want to use?  Then, the big decision for me – which Privacy Setting (Blog Visability) was I going to pick? 1, 2 or 3?

  1. I would like my blog to visible to everyone, including search engines (like Google, Bing) and archivers
  2. I would like to block search engines, but allow normal visitors
  3. I would like my blog to be private, visible only to visitors I choose

Is all of the contemplating over-analyzing the ding dang thing?  Well, duh.  I’m prone to over thinking – it is what I do.  It is the biggest stumbling block to my big “What If” question (see prior post).

Do I want people I don’t know reading my observations and views and then commenting on them (assuming I will eventually get a reader or two)?  Hmmm.  I’m still not sure about that.  I haven’t really quite decided that I want my friends and family reading my thoughts as I post them.  As of this writing, I haven’t told anyone (even my husband and kids) that I was starting this little project.  Being a very private person, my husband would wonder why I felt the need to start an online diary.  Will the knowledge that people close to me will be reading this subconsciously impose a filter on my writings?  Do I care about that?  Should I care about that?  Another Hmmm.  Those are good questions.

There is something cathartic about writing thoughts down – I completely get that.  It can definitely help you define and clarify your positions on topics.

Okay, after putting all of this down in writing (and re-reading it, editing it, etc.), I have decided on Option #1 in the Privacy Settings.  Why not?  It would be interesting to hear what people have to say (assuming, again, that I get a reader or two).

Regarding my family and friends, am I going to tell them?  Yes and no.  I will tell my husband, kids and my BFFs first.  Then, maybe branch out from there.  Comments from those closest to you can give you great joy or great sorrow because you really care what they think (unlike comments from strangers). So, regarding the filter issue, I guess I will have to figure that out as I go along on this writing journey.

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Thoughts on “What If?”

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I was at a conference this week and the entertainment portion of the conference was a performance (see posted video) by Mike Rayburn. If you have not had a chance to watch this, I highly recommend it. He is an entertainer/motivational speaker. I have listened to many motivational speakers in my life and I have to say that his very simple message has been really nagging at me. He says to ask yourself a very simple question – “What if I Could?”. Of course there is the companion statement of “This is Why I Can’t”.

As I am approaching my 45th birthday, I am (probably like many others) wondering “What the heck I am really doing here?”. I am the oldest sibling and I can tell you that I am a textbook oldest child: natural leader (or control-freak, pick your poison), high-achiever (I had to have straight A’s – was it really necessary?), organized (I label everything!), on-time, know-it-all (I have finally realized I don’t know everything), bossy (ask my sister), responsible (to a paralyzing degree), and a people pleaser. My picture should be in every sibling birth order book out there. My point, is that my primary question/statement was the second one stated above – I always thought of the reasons why I couldn’t do something. I am a professional worrier of the highest order and it definitely has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. The RESPONSIBILITY of life has begun to paralyze me.

I am going to digress a bit. I have always worked 40 hours (or more) outside the home until 2007. Being good at everything (work and home) was impossible (as we all know) and was also adding a stress to my life that was becoming too much. My husband bought a 49% stake in a company in 2005 and by 2007, it was clear that one of us had to cut back and be more available to our three children. At the time, I was no longer satisfied with my job and it made sense for me to be the one to do it. I had no idea how this decision was going to impact my life – I think I honestly suffered a “mini” depression. I didn’t realize how much of my identity was wrapped up in my job. I think the depression occurred because I had been too busy to think about the question, “What am I really doing here?”. Now, I had TOO much time to think about it. People were asking me “What would really like to do?”. I had no idea how to answer that question! I had no hobbies because I was working all of the time. Here I was, 42 years old, and didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. It has now been three years since I decided to work part-time at a less stressful job which has been very good for me, but I still feel a little aimless. I have always admired those that seem to know exactly what they want to do in their lives. My husband knew he wanted to be an architect from 7th or 8th grade and, now, he owns an architectural firm. Where does that knowledge come from?

Mike Rayburn’s message has been playing in my head like an endless loop. Can you train yourself to start thinking in a new way at 45? This is going to be a real struggle for me. I’m the one that thinks of all of the ways something can go wrong, that has 6 months of expenses saved for the imminent disaster that is about to happen at any minute, that is the endless list-maker, that has a compulsive need to organize, etc. I’ve always considered myself “practical”, but maybe that description is really a little too benign.

The message is to think of the most outrageous “What If?” that you want to accomplish and write it down. He says that once you write it down then you need to do something actionable toward the “What If” and get the ball rolling. Even if it is baby steps. Now, what is my “What If I Could?” Yikes, that is a scary question. I’ve been mulling it over since Monday after his presentation.

I’ve always told my kids that if we won the lottery (of course, first you have to play!) that I would take some of the money to start a fund or endowment for single parents that are trying to get off of welfare. It seems that one of the biggest barriers for women and men in this position is affordable quality daycare. Why couldn’t we subsidize a quality daycare facility for these people and their children? The single parents would be charged by the ability to pay – it would be based on a % of income. The women and men would have to go through a welfare-to-work program to qualify for the subsidized daycare. I know the state of Indiana has this service, but it organized by the state government. I think private enterprise could probably do it better. However, this seems to be a big “What If” to tackle right away.

I did start taking oil painting lessons about a month ago – that is a huge change for me. I’m a complete left-brain thinker. I have really enjoyed my painting classes! For me that was step one.

Step two was starting this blog – I thought that maybe writing it down will motivate me to start this project of re-training my brain.

My goal this week is start with baby steps – when one of my friends, family or co-workers brings up an idea, I want to be the one that says “How can we make that happen?”. I think it will take a while to retrain my brain! Clearly for this to work, I will have to do this on a continuous basis, thus the struggle begins. I guess this is like any change you make, exercise, diet, etc. I will need to stay committed for it to work. Here I go. . .