Category Archives: Personal Musings

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Jen’s Mid-Life Crisis

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As I somewhat alluded to in my Thoughts on “What If?” post, I’m feeling a little aimless. It has been 3 years since I jumped off of the merry-go-round and I’m still looking for that thing that will make me eager to jump out of bed every morning (oops – besides my family, of course), you know, My Purpose (I know that this is not an original quest). It dawned on me today that I’m 3 years into my mid-life crisis and I still haven’t made much progress. Don’t get me wrong, I am very blessed in my life – I have a wonderful husband, amazing children, loving parents and sister, etc. We have a home in a great neighborhood, my husband is doing well professionally and we have wonderful friends. I should feel fulfilled and not be this restless, yet here I am.

According to most people in my life, quitting my full-time job and going part-time has allowed me to be available to my children 24/7, you know, like a Meijer store (was I only available like 12/7 before?) – now I’m able to provide my children with untold benefits, experiences, etc. I get the fact that now it is a lot easier for my children to participate in more afterschool activities and to play with the neighborhood children more. So, now that also meant that I was more available to be the family’s social secretary, budget master, banker, tutor, taxi, chef, EMT, counselor, sports enthusiast, maid, judge & jury, taskmaster, etc. So, duh, THAT must be my purpose!  Whew, I’m glad we got that cleared up.

Wait a minute, if I’m doing such a great thing for the kids now, does that imply that I was doing a shitty job before? Hmmmm. I do think that would be the implication – what else could these well-meaning, yet back-handed, statements mean? Did my kids feel lonely, abandoned, unloved, ignored, and deprived when I was working full-time? (I don’t really believe that.) Because, of course, my husband working full-time apparently didn’t have that same impact. Yikes! Had I completely screwed up my kids already? They were 7, 10 & 13 when I quit the FT gig. I didn’t think we really started “ruining” their lives until they were in Jr. High. Oh Shoot, I was ahead of schedule!

I do want to stress that I have very much enjoyed being be able to hang out with my kids more. They are so interesting at the ages that they are now – we have really great conversations and I love the individuals that they are becoming. Rachel is near the end of her sophomore year and will be graduating in two years, Maddie is in junior high and we all remember what that is like, and Jack is my baby and in elementary school still, so I’m glad to be able to spend more time with all of them. BUT, why is it that I am considered a little nuts (maybe even whiny) for not being completely satisfied? Well, how could I not be 100% contented knowing that my mere presence (and now MORE of it!) brings boundless joy and happiness to my children everyday? YEAH, RIGHT! My daughter (I won’t tell you which one) disputes this statement every so often by stomping up the stairs yelling, “I HATE YOU!”. Yep, a therapist might be in her future (I actually think being around more has pretty much guaranteed it)!

I have repeatedly talked to my closest friends about this topic and, of course, we have determined that all women are not the same. Not really an “Aha!” moment, but it’s nice to confirm common sense notions aloud once in a while. I do enjoy working outside the home and contributing in that way – I always have. What I didn’t want to continue doing was working 50-55 hours per week. The part-time job I have now was a real blessing when I first quit my FT job. It is not stressful at all and it was exactly what the doctor ordered. But now, I think maybe I need something more and something different, but what?

Why did it take me this long to get to this realization? Well, I think it was because I have been trying to tell myself that I was fine because apparently there was really no reason to not be fine. Everyone else thought my situation was perfect, so it must be, right? I mean, I have a 30-hr a week job with a fantastic boss, I work during school hours so I can get my kids on and off the bus, I’m home in time to start the taxi service and usually cook a meal, AND I don’t have to work until midnight. Oh, and I can work from home whenever I need to. What’s not to like? (Wow, when I put it in writing, I am asking myself, “What is wrong with me?”)

Do I need a more interesting hobby or something different professionally? If I were to do something different professionally, what the heck would it be? I’ve been surfing small business idea websites just to brainstorm. Starting my own business has never really been a dream of mine – I don’t really think I have the moxy (or the fearlessness) required for that. The websites say to do something that you like (interests, hobbies, etc). When I was working full-time, I didn’t have time to develop any real hobbies that could lead to a career change. Okay, so what do I like to do? Hmmm . . . . .

Reading – I don’t see much of a job in this. A lot of people like to read. I’m not a literature major and I don’t have the qualifications to work in the editing field.

Crossword puzzles – I like solving them, not creating them.

Painting – I just started painting and I really don’t see a career blossoming from this hobby (see painting to the right).

Numbers – I was a math major and love to work with numbers. I’m always within arm’s reach of a calculator – I know, I know. Please don’t say it (Geek!).

Computers – I love computers (you can say it again, “Geek!”). I actually toyed with the idea of majoring in computers instead of math – why the heck didn’t I do that?!! However, I am mostly self-taught and I pay attention any time a computer professional is working on my computer. I’m not afraid to press a button! But, what can I really do with imitation computer skills?

Organization – What is there to say? I’m a fairly organized individual, but I’m not sure I would be very good at helping others get organized. Did you know that there is a National Association of Professional Organizers? Is there a college degree for that? Anyway, there is definitely something for everyone.

Cooking – I love cooking, but I follow other people’s recipes. I don’t create my own. Catering wouldn’t really be something I could do. What else can you do when you like cooking?

Should I go back to school? If I did, what would I study? I haven’t really pursued this option because we don’t have the finances for it – in two years we will be putting our first one through college. But, it does cross my mind once in a while.

If I were to gain a new hobby – what would it be? I’m doing oil painting classes now and that has been fun, but my classmates are intimidating. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself after 5 lessons, but my paintings look like caveman drawings or maybe kindergarten finger paintings (see pic above) compared to my fellow painters. It will be Y-E-A-R-S before something could actually develop from this hobby. I’ve also tried knitting; however, I haven’t developed beyond the basic dishcloth and winter scarf. I still don’t know how to pearl! I don’t think that selling kitschy knitted items is in my future anytime soon. My current problem with hobby-development is that I really don’t have any more time than I did when I was working full-time. It’s weird, but true (I have some theories on why that is, but I won’t expand on them here).

All I know is that I need to either accept my current status and drop it or create a plan to move forward. I guess this leads back to the “What If?” question. This question is really starting to annoy the crap out of me!

I guess I need to brainstorm a little more. . . . .

 

 

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Why am I blogging?

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Why am I blogging?  I have to say that I haven’t quite figured it out yet.  In the past, journals and diaries have never really held an interest for me.  However, blogging is very popular and trying to keep up with my children in the technology department is a goal of mine.  This might be one small reason, but it still doesn’t really answer  the question on why I started a blog. 

Do I want to be famous for blogging like Perez Hilton (really, what else is he famous for?)?  Not really.  Do I have provocative views on the topics of the day that people are dying to read?  Probably not.  Am I a wanna be journalist without a major in journalism?  Definitely not.  Am I a budding writer that enjoys putting pen to paper (so to speak) just for the love of writing?  Most definitely not – I’m a math major!

How did blogging get started?  Why are average people like myself blogging?  Well, I did a little research and found that this question has been asked repeatedly.  I came across this blog that addressed this question:  Why Do We Blog?.   I did find some interesting responses within this post and found that I was nodding my head a little while I was reading it.  One comment got me thinking – “Do I want affirmation and admiration?”  I don’t really think that is my motivation either.   However, I have to ask myself, “If I’m starting a journal/diary, why am I doing it online?”.  This leads to the next issue – Privacy Settings.

Setting up this blog has been a project.  What did I want it to look like?  Would the format represent who I am?  What colors do I want to use?  Then, the big decision for me – which Privacy Setting (Blog Visability) was I going to pick? 1, 2 or 3?

  1. I would like my blog to visible to everyone, including search engines (like Google, Bing) and archivers
  2. I would like to block search engines, but allow normal visitors
  3. I would like my blog to be private, visible only to visitors I choose

Is all of the contemplating over-analyzing the ding dang thing?  Well, duh.  I’m prone to over thinking – it is what I do.  It is the biggest stumbling block to my big “What If” question (see prior post).

Do I want people I don’t know reading my observations and views and then commenting on them (assuming I will eventually get a reader or two)?  Hmmm.  I’m still not sure about that.  I haven’t really quite decided that I want my friends and family reading my thoughts as I post them.  As of this writing, I haven’t told anyone (even my husband and kids) that I was starting this little project.  Being a very private person, my husband would wonder why I felt the need to start an online diary.  Will the knowledge that people close to me will be reading this subconsciously impose a filter on my writings?  Do I care about that?  Should I care about that?  Another Hmmm.  Those are good questions.

There is something cathartic about writing thoughts down – I completely get that.  It can definitely help you define and clarify your positions on topics.

Okay, after putting all of this down in writing (and re-reading it, editing it, etc.), I have decided on Option #1 in the Privacy Settings.  Why not?  It would be interesting to hear what people have to say (assuming, again, that I get a reader or two).

Regarding my family and friends, am I going to tell them?  Yes and no.  I will tell my husband, kids and my BFFs first.  Then, maybe branch out from there.  Comments from those closest to you can give you great joy or great sorrow because you really care what they think (unlike comments from strangers). So, regarding the filter issue, I guess I will have to figure that out as I go along on this writing journey.

Unknown's avatar

Thoughts on “What If?”

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I was at a conference this week and the entertainment portion of the conference was a performance (see posted video) by Mike Rayburn. If you have not had a chance to watch this, I highly recommend it. He is an entertainer/motivational speaker. I have listened to many motivational speakers in my life and I have to say that his very simple message has been really nagging at me. He says to ask yourself a very simple question – “What if I Could?”. Of course there is the companion statement of “This is Why I Can’t”.

As I am approaching my 45th birthday, I am (probably like many others) wondering “What the heck I am really doing here?”. I am the oldest sibling and I can tell you that I am a textbook oldest child: natural leader (or control-freak, pick your poison), high-achiever (I had to have straight A’s – was it really necessary?), organized (I label everything!), on-time, know-it-all (I have finally realized I don’t know everything), bossy (ask my sister), responsible (to a paralyzing degree), and a people pleaser. My picture should be in every sibling birth order book out there. My point, is that my primary question/statement was the second one stated above – I always thought of the reasons why I couldn’t do something. I am a professional worrier of the highest order and it definitely has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. The RESPONSIBILITY of life has begun to paralyze me.

I am going to digress a bit. I have always worked 40 hours (or more) outside the home until 2007. Being good at everything (work and home) was impossible (as we all know) and was also adding a stress to my life that was becoming too much. My husband bought a 49% stake in a company in 2005 and by 2007, it was clear that one of us had to cut back and be more available to our three children. At the time, I was no longer satisfied with my job and it made sense for me to be the one to do it. I had no idea how this decision was going to impact my life – I think I honestly suffered a “mini” depression. I didn’t realize how much of my identity was wrapped up in my job. I think the depression occurred because I had been too busy to think about the question, “What am I really doing here?”. Now, I had TOO much time to think about it. People were asking me “What would really like to do?”. I had no idea how to answer that question! I had no hobbies because I was working all of the time. Here I was, 42 years old, and didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. It has now been three years since I decided to work part-time at a less stressful job which has been very good for me, but I still feel a little aimless. I have always admired those that seem to know exactly what they want to do in their lives. My husband knew he wanted to be an architect from 7th or 8th grade and, now, he owns an architectural firm. Where does that knowledge come from?

Mike Rayburn’s message has been playing in my head like an endless loop. Can you train yourself to start thinking in a new way at 45? This is going to be a real struggle for me. I’m the one that thinks of all of the ways something can go wrong, that has 6 months of expenses saved for the imminent disaster that is about to happen at any minute, that is the endless list-maker, that has a compulsive need to organize, etc. I’ve always considered myself “practical”, but maybe that description is really a little too benign.

The message is to think of the most outrageous “What If?” that you want to accomplish and write it down. He says that once you write it down then you need to do something actionable toward the “What If” and get the ball rolling. Even if it is baby steps. Now, what is my “What If I Could?” Yikes, that is a scary question. I’ve been mulling it over since Monday after his presentation.

I’ve always told my kids that if we won the lottery (of course, first you have to play!) that I would take some of the money to start a fund or endowment for single parents that are trying to get off of welfare. It seems that one of the biggest barriers for women and men in this position is affordable quality daycare. Why couldn’t we subsidize a quality daycare facility for these people and their children? The single parents would be charged by the ability to pay – it would be based on a % of income. The women and men would have to go through a welfare-to-work program to qualify for the subsidized daycare. I know the state of Indiana has this service, but it organized by the state government. I think private enterprise could probably do it better. However, this seems to be a big “What If” to tackle right away.

I did start taking oil painting lessons about a month ago – that is a huge change for me. I’m a complete left-brain thinker. I have really enjoyed my painting classes! For me that was step one.

Step two was starting this blog – I thought that maybe writing it down will motivate me to start this project of re-training my brain.

My goal this week is start with baby steps – when one of my friends, family or co-workers brings up an idea, I want to be the one that says “How can we make that happen?”. I think it will take a while to retrain my brain! Clearly for this to work, I will have to do this on a continuous basis, thus the struggle begins. I guess this is like any change you make, exercise, diet, etc. I will need to stay committed for it to work. Here I go. . .