Author Archives: Jenni

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The Closing of a Grocery Store

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Okay, so a grocery store is closing March 26th.  So What!?  Well, the store I’m talking about is my local Joe O’Malia’s .  This is the store of my choosing where I do my weekly grocery ritual.  The thing you need to know about me is that I really HATE grocery shopping, but I do it because, well, we need to eat to live.

Well, I walked into my local Joe O’Malia’s today to do my weekly ritual and guess what?!  I saw a sign on the door informing me that my store will be closing forever and that the last day would be March 26th!  The store located at 126th Street and Gray Road would be more than happy to help me after March 26th. What?  I wasn’t quite sure I understood.  What is that sign trying to tell me?

Thus, began my whirlwind flight through the 5 Stages of Grief. 

Denial:  I was in total denial.  I stopped, stared and re-read the sign.  Surely, they were announcing that they were just going to be closed on that ONE day, March 26th.  Of course, Whew! And, then they would be available to me again on the 27th.  Right?  So, thinking that all was right with the world, I continued on my way.

Anger:  Well, the state of denial lasted about 30 seconds and quickly turned to disbelief and anger as I walked the familiar walk toward the produce section.  Where had all the produce gone?  Where were the potatoes? avocados? asparagus?  I started hyper-ventilating.  Okay, calm down.  They were re-vamping the place and it was in a state of remodel.  Yep, that had to be it.  Well, it became increasingly clear as I walked toward the meat counter that the sign might be true (there were about 3 pork chops left).  The store was closing.  This stage of grief lasted the entire shopping trip (which was very short, BTW).  As I was headed toward the next phase of the grieving process, I started to get really angry again when I realized that I was going to have to go to another grocery store today to finish my shopping!

Bargaining:  Well, who could I bargain with?  The devil?  That was unlikely.  I really didn’t hang out in this phase of the grieving process.

Depression:  I am languishing in this phase.  I am depressed.  I had finally found a store that wasn’t HUGE , that special ordered items for me, where I knew the meat guys, the deli guys, etc.  I had the store layout memorized and that was how my shopping list was organized (I know, crazy, right? See first post).  It made the shopping trip go faster (remember, I HATE to go grocery shopping!).  The store was within walking and biking distance from my house.  If we forgot something, no problem!  Just run over to O’Malia’s!  Well, now where am I going to grocery shop?  All of the other stores near my house are the HUGE stores that are not personal and don’t take your groceries out to your car.  I’m going to have to memorize another layout!  I’m almost 45 for goodness sake – how can I be expected to do that!?  I’m too old and too busy!

Acceptance:  I’m not quite at this stage yet.  My husband is trying to fix it for me (as husbands usually do) and suggested that I go to the only remaining O’Malia’s left in Carmel.  I honestly try to go to the store only once a week and thus, my weekly shopping trips are meticulously planned and take awhile.  I do this to try to save money.  I used to go the to store almost every day due to lack of planning and would end up spending way too much on food that would ultimately spoil and go bad.  Since I now do one big weekly trip, my husband is encouraging me to travel across town to go to last remaining neighborhood grocery store.  I may just do that starting next week, but I have to mull it over.  I haven’t completely graduated to the acceptance phase.  Maybe “they” will realize that I would really like this store to stay open. . . . .

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Why am I blogging?

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Why am I blogging?  I have to say that I haven’t quite figured it out yet.  In the past, journals and diaries have never really held an interest for me.  However, blogging is very popular and trying to keep up with my children in the technology department is a goal of mine.  This might be one small reason, but it still doesn’t really answer  the question on why I started a blog. 

Do I want to be famous for blogging like Perez Hilton (really, what else is he famous for?)?  Not really.  Do I have provocative views on the topics of the day that people are dying to read?  Probably not.  Am I a wanna be journalist without a major in journalism?  Definitely not.  Am I a budding writer that enjoys putting pen to paper (so to speak) just for the love of writing?  Most definitely not – I’m a math major!

How did blogging get started?  Why are average people like myself blogging?  Well, I did a little research and found that this question has been asked repeatedly.  I came across this blog that addressed this question:  Why Do We Blog?.   I did find some interesting responses within this post and found that I was nodding my head a little while I was reading it.  One comment got me thinking – “Do I want affirmation and admiration?”  I don’t really think that is my motivation either.   However, I have to ask myself, “If I’m starting a journal/diary, why am I doing it online?”.  This leads to the next issue – Privacy Settings.

Setting up this blog has been a project.  What did I want it to look like?  Would the format represent who I am?  What colors do I want to use?  Then, the big decision for me – which Privacy Setting (Blog Visability) was I going to pick? 1, 2 or 3?

  1. I would like my blog to visible to everyone, including search engines (like Google, Bing) and archivers
  2. I would like to block search engines, but allow normal visitors
  3. I would like my blog to be private, visible only to visitors I choose

Is all of the contemplating over-analyzing the ding dang thing?  Well, duh.  I’m prone to over thinking – it is what I do.  It is the biggest stumbling block to my big “What If” question (see prior post).

Do I want people I don’t know reading my observations and views and then commenting on them (assuming I will eventually get a reader or two)?  Hmmm.  I’m still not sure about that.  I haven’t really quite decided that I want my friends and family reading my thoughts as I post them.  As of this writing, I haven’t told anyone (even my husband and kids) that I was starting this little project.  Being a very private person, my husband would wonder why I felt the need to start an online diary.  Will the knowledge that people close to me will be reading this subconsciously impose a filter on my writings?  Do I care about that?  Should I care about that?  Another Hmmm.  Those are good questions.

There is something cathartic about writing thoughts down – I completely get that.  It can definitely help you define and clarify your positions on topics.

Okay, after putting all of this down in writing (and re-reading it, editing it, etc.), I have decided on Option #1 in the Privacy Settings.  Why not?  It would be interesting to hear what people have to say (assuming, again, that I get a reader or two).

Regarding my family and friends, am I going to tell them?  Yes and no.  I will tell my husband, kids and my BFFs first.  Then, maybe branch out from there.  Comments from those closest to you can give you great joy or great sorrow because you really care what they think (unlike comments from strangers). So, regarding the filter issue, I guess I will have to figure that out as I go along on this writing journey.

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Thoughts on “What If?”

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I was at a conference this week and the entertainment portion of the conference was a performance (see posted video) by Mike Rayburn. If you have not had a chance to watch this, I highly recommend it. He is an entertainer/motivational speaker. I have listened to many motivational speakers in my life and I have to say that his very simple message has been really nagging at me. He says to ask yourself a very simple question – “What if I Could?”. Of course there is the companion statement of “This is Why I Can’t”.

As I am approaching my 45th birthday, I am (probably like many others) wondering “What the heck I am really doing here?”. I am the oldest sibling and I can tell you that I am a textbook oldest child: natural leader (or control-freak, pick your poison), high-achiever (I had to have straight A’s – was it really necessary?), organized (I label everything!), on-time, know-it-all (I have finally realized I don’t know everything), bossy (ask my sister), responsible (to a paralyzing degree), and a people pleaser. My picture should be in every sibling birth order book out there. My point, is that my primary question/statement was the second one stated above – I always thought of the reasons why I couldn’t do something. I am a professional worrier of the highest order and it definitely has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. The RESPONSIBILITY of life has begun to paralyze me.

I am going to digress a bit. I have always worked 40 hours (or more) outside the home until 2007. Being good at everything (work and home) was impossible (as we all know) and was also adding a stress to my life that was becoming too much. My husband bought a 49% stake in a company in 2005 and by 2007, it was clear that one of us had to cut back and be more available to our three children. At the time, I was no longer satisfied with my job and it made sense for me to be the one to do it. I had no idea how this decision was going to impact my life – I think I honestly suffered a “mini” depression. I didn’t realize how much of my identity was wrapped up in my job. I think the depression occurred because I had been too busy to think about the question, “What am I really doing here?”. Now, I had TOO much time to think about it. People were asking me “What would really like to do?”. I had no idea how to answer that question! I had no hobbies because I was working all of the time. Here I was, 42 years old, and didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. It has now been three years since I decided to work part-time at a less stressful job which has been very good for me, but I still feel a little aimless. I have always admired those that seem to know exactly what they want to do in their lives. My husband knew he wanted to be an architect from 7th or 8th grade and, now, he owns an architectural firm. Where does that knowledge come from?

Mike Rayburn’s message has been playing in my head like an endless loop. Can you train yourself to start thinking in a new way at 45? This is going to be a real struggle for me. I’m the one that thinks of all of the ways something can go wrong, that has 6 months of expenses saved for the imminent disaster that is about to happen at any minute, that is the endless list-maker, that has a compulsive need to organize, etc. I’ve always considered myself “practical”, but maybe that description is really a little too benign.

The message is to think of the most outrageous “What If?” that you want to accomplish and write it down. He says that once you write it down then you need to do something actionable toward the “What If” and get the ball rolling. Even if it is baby steps. Now, what is my “What If I Could?” Yikes, that is a scary question. I’ve been mulling it over since Monday after his presentation.

I’ve always told my kids that if we won the lottery (of course, first you have to play!) that I would take some of the money to start a fund or endowment for single parents that are trying to get off of welfare. It seems that one of the biggest barriers for women and men in this position is affordable quality daycare. Why couldn’t we subsidize a quality daycare facility for these people and their children? The single parents would be charged by the ability to pay – it would be based on a % of income. The women and men would have to go through a welfare-to-work program to qualify for the subsidized daycare. I know the state of Indiana has this service, but it organized by the state government. I think private enterprise could probably do it better. However, this seems to be a big “What If” to tackle right away.

I did start taking oil painting lessons about a month ago – that is a huge change for me. I’m a complete left-brain thinker. I have really enjoyed my painting classes! For me that was step one.

Step two was starting this blog – I thought that maybe writing it down will motivate me to start this project of re-training my brain.

My goal this week is start with baby steps – when one of my friends, family or co-workers brings up an idea, I want to be the one that says “How can we make that happen?”. I think it will take a while to retrain my brain! Clearly for this to work, I will have to do this on a continuous basis, thus the struggle begins. I guess this is like any change you make, exercise, diet, etc. I will need to stay committed for it to work. Here I go. . .