Monthly Archives: April 2010

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Adieu Investment Friends -or- The Night I Almost Killed Carrie

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Up until this January 2010, I was a partner in an investment club – the Shared Interest Investment Club (SIIC).  The club was started in May of 2001 and was for women only (sorry, guys!).  In January after 9 years, we decided to disband the club due to various reasons.  Over the years, our club gained and lost members, saw births of babies, adoptions of children, job changes, etc.  I think at our peak we had 11 ladies and we closed the club with 7.  Of the 7 remaining members, 4 of us were charter members.   This club has been really great – it has allowed me to learn about the stock market (why anyone would want to do that for a living is beyond me!), meet really smart women, and gain a little confidence.

I remember that our first purchase was around 9/11 and the market was in turmoil.  It was really a crazy time to start a club when no one really had any stock market experience.  Our first couple of purchases weren’t that great, but we started to get the hang of it.  Our portfolio did suffer with the ups and downs of the last 9 years, but no more than the market overall.  I was really proud of our gang – I thought we did really well!

To commemorate our club, we decided to have a farewell dinner.  I volunteered to host our “Good Bye” dinner because it gave me a chance to try a new dish!  I picked a recipe from my Julie Child cookbook – Filets de Poisson Bercy aux Champignons (Fish Filets Poached in White Wine with Mushrooms pg 210).  I was also going to make artichokes a la Julia, but I thought that be too much to take on (and, they were $5 a piece!).  We’ll do them another time.

If you are unfamiliar with the Julia Child cookbook, each recipe has at least 14 steps and requires you to dirty multiple pans. So, if you make a whole meal (main dish and sides) from the JC cookbook, you will need to go across the street and borrow all of your neighbor’s pans first!  So, my side dish was something I had made before and is very easy and tasty – roasted potatoes and fennel with parmesan cheese (it also only requires ONE baking sheet).

We do have one member, Carrie, that is allergic to shellfish.  I did verify that halibut was okay (I was SO on top of it!) so the menu was approved!

The fish is supposed to be poached in homemade fish stock and white wine.  Well, that would have required me to buy 2 lbs of fish heads, bones and trimmings  along with 5 other ingredients.  Hmmmm, I don’t think I will make my own fish stock since I don’t normally see these items in the seafood case and I really didn’t feel like dumpster-diving.  Other alternatives for the poaching liquid were (A) 3/4 cup of white wine plus 2/3 cup of dry vermouth plus 1/4 cup of clam juice and water OR (B) 1 1/2 cups of white wine plus water.  Well, the second option sounded BORING so I picked Option A (wine + vermouth + clam juice + water).

Everyone arrived and began noshing on wine and hors d’oeuvres while I was preparing the fish (the potatoes and fennel were roasting away in the oven).  Here is where I have a confession – I did not follow the Julia Child recipe EXACTLY.  Julia wanted me to poach the fish in the oven and then do some awkward pouring and draining etc. (you have to read the recipe).  So, I improvised and I poached my fish on the stove.  As I was placing the fish in the pan and covering  it with the Champignons along with the poaching liquid, one of the gals inquired about the ingredients.  I explained what was included in the poaching liquid (see above) and what I was doing.  I have to say that  in looking back, Carrie’s concerned look over the ingredient list now makes a ton of sense!  But, she was WAY TOO nice in NOT saying anything at that point!

Does anyone notice anything about this picture?  Maybe the shell??

The fish were poached – next step is to move the fish to a baking dish.  I also took this time to turn on the broiler (I have two ovens and one was already taken with my potatoes/fennel!).  I then poured the poaching liquid into a sauce pan along with a roux, boiled it down and then added cream.  When the sauce was done, it was to be poured over the fish.  The fish were to be sprinkled with swiss cheese and broiled for a bit.  Well, as I was pouring the sauce over the fish, Carrie (very nicely) says, “Can you make one without sauce?”  I was a little confused.  And, then she said something about the poaching liquid containing clam juice.  I FELT SO HORRIBLE!!  I had been all over it (or so I thought)!  Putting Carrie into anaphylactic shock would have made for an interesting dinner!  (Have you seen the movie, Hitch? – click on this Hitch Scenes and then pick one of the “Clip 5: Food Allergies” options.)

It’s a good thing my kids don’t have food allergies because they would apparently be in the emergency room all of the time!

Now, ALL of the fish are ready for the broiler (Carrie’s fish, un-sauced and in a separate pan).  But, wait, I smell a little burnt-food smell.  OMG!! I had turned the dial to BROIL on the oven which contained the potatoes and fennel!!!!!!  Meanwhile, the other oven was cold.  Okay, now I had almost killed my friend, I burned my potato dish and my fish are getting cold.  I immediately removed the potatoes and fennel (with everyone very generously telling me that they liked burnt potatoes and fennel – xoxo to my friends), and put the fish under the broiler.

The meal was served and everyone ate their food without incident. Whew!  Not quite how I like to entertain (serving burnt food and almost sending my friend to the ER), but we had a great time with good friends, good food (sorta), good dessert, good bread, good wine and funny stories!

Here’s to you, Shared Interest Investment Club!
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The Day the Rabbit Almost Died

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It is the summer of 2005 and my mom would be celebrating her 65th birthday on July 26th.  Another milestone birthday!  My dad wanted to have a surprise dinner party with about 16-20 of their closest friends.  Dad and I had worked out the details and agreed that it would be best if it were at our house and we would have it catered.  And, we picked a date – Saturday, July 30th.  Perfect! 

The Players

The Caterer

The caterer – where to begin?  Okay, my dad has a cooking gadget habit – it is really bad.  You cannot take the man near a gourmet store that sells expensive cookware and spices without him going in and dropping $50 !SNAP!, like that.  He is like Carrie Bradshaw (Sex in the City) and shoe stores – I mean it!  Anyway, he knew the owners of the Corner Gourmet (which has since gone out of business – R.I.P.) since he frequented their cooking classes (usually with me or mom in tow) and bought stuff every time he was in there!  When dad walked in, they had to be thinking, “Cha-ching!”.  The owners did not have a robust catering business, but they knew how to cook and dad asked them to cater mom’s birthday bash.  The owner hesitantly agreed to do it (he was out of catering practice)!  We picked the menu and we were good to go!

The New Puppy – Jasper

I had resisted allowing a dog to become a member of the Engledow household for a long time (we had 3 kids and we were BUSY).   However, the summer of 2005 was different.  My husband had had it with my attitude about the dog.  “I want a dog, the kids want a dog, damn it, we’re getting a dog!”.  Well, okay then!  I guess we are getting a dog!  

If we were going to make that leap, this was the summer to do it because Mike was on sabbatical due to a job change combined with a non-compete clause.  He was staying home with the kids and could train the puppy.  So, long story short, we bought a 1st generation golden doodle from a breeder in Jasper, IN (don’t ask us how much we paid for this puppy!).  The dog was a surprise for the girls (Ages 8 and 11).  They were at church camp for a week and were coming home on Sunday, July 24th.  Mike, Sue (my sis-in-law) and little Jack picked up the dog on Saturday, July 23rd.  Of course, Mike and I were awarded Parents of Year on that Sunday!

Napoleon

For Maddie, this was the summer between 2nd and 3rd grade.  Mrs. Hill needed some volunteers to take care of the class bunny, Napoleon, over the summer.  The plan was to have a different child watch the rabbit each week of the summer.  [Is it just me or does this sound like a really bad idea?! I’m picturing a completely psycho bunny by the end of the summer, aren’t you?]  Maddie’s Napoleon week began on Saturday, July 30th!

Maddie

My lovely, independent, stubborn, beautiful, strong-willed, high-spirited, 8-year-old daughter was (and still is) a force to be reckoned with.  I have no doubt in my mind that Miss Maddie will someday rule the world, but unfortunately for her, her time is still yet to come.  She has the Engledow dictatorship to deal with now (she does try to topple this regime every so often; however, we have prevailed thus far!).  She was SUPER excited to get this bunny (I have denied her long-term bunny ownership because I am allergic).  She asked if she could play with the bunny, and I recall saying, “No, because we have to get ready for the party”, but she disputes  this memory and says that I allowed her to play with the bunny.  We are still on the waiting list to appear in front of Judge Judy to resolve this matter.

Let’s review the timeline, shall we???  

July 23rd – added Jasper, the golden doodle puppy (Age, 8 weeks!), to the Engledow household

July 30th –

Mid-Afternoon (3:00 pmish):   added Napoleon, the class bunny, to the Engledow household (albeit only for a week, but why this week?) 

6:00 pm:      Mom’s Surprise 65th Birthday catered affair also at the Engledow house / guests to arrive no later than 6:00pm, Birthday Girl to arrive at 6:30pm.

 

July 30th – Day of the Surprise Party

Okay, Napoleon arrives in the late afternoon as stated above.  Mom’s dearest friends, the Nancys (Nancy M. & Nancy F.), came to my house early (around 4 – 4:30pm)  to help me set up and decorate.  The caterer is supposed to arrive around 5:30pm.

Maddie is upstairs “not” playing with her new bunny; the dog is going insane trying to get into Maddie’s room to eat Napoleon; Rachel, the Nancys and I are cleaning, straightening and decorating.  I think my husband is out with Jack somewhere because I don’t recall him being in the house until later (I’ll get to that).  So, all is going according to plan until .. . . . . .

“Mommy? Can you come upstairs?”  (now it is about 30 minutes prior to the arrival of the caterer and 1 hour until showtime!)

I go upstairs into Maddie’s bedroom and I’m not sure I can describe this accurately, but there are rabbit droppings ALL OVER EVERY SQUARE INCH OF MADDIE’S ROOM!

Picture this EVERYWHERE all over the carpet in your kid’s bedroom!

(Now, if you have not read any of my prior posts, I need to briefly describe that I’m type A, like things organized at all times and wound tighter than a  drum before people come over to my house for parties.)  Okay, so I am speechless with anger, then I find my voice and ask her what the heck happened?  Of course, this is where the dispute occurs over whether or not she had permission to get the rabbit out (we really need a ruling here!).  I calm down a bit and realize that at this point it doesn’t matter who had permission to do what – the important thing was that we needed get that damn rabbit back in the cage before the guests arrive!  I can’t have that rabbit up there pooping ALL NIGHT IN HER ROOM while we are downstairs enjoying a nice dinner! 

Do you remember how I said that the rabbit had been man-handled by different families for the 8 weeks prior to us getting this rabbit?  Well, of course, now this thing HATES people and probably, most of all, little people!  At the time, Maddie had two twin beds in her room which were against walls in an “L” shape (can you picture it?) and the rabbit was hiding under one of the twin beds just pooping away!  UGH!!!!

After about 30 minutes of trying to catch this rabbit, I had to give up.  I mean, I had a caterer coming any minute!  I explained to Nancy M. and Nancy F. that we had a major problem – they were so great and I’m really glad they were there.  The Nancys and Rachel had been working very hard while I was upstairs trying to catch a rabbit!  Of course, we had Jasper and he had to be watched very carefully because, well, he was a puppy and not house-trained AND he wanted to meet Napoleon as soon as possible (at this point he had been ours for only a week!).

Mike finally comes home from wherever he had been (I can’t remember!).  I hysterically told Mike about the rabbit problem and he promptly went upstairs to do his manly duty and trap the animal.  Meanwhile, I’m waiting for the caterer (and waiting, and waiting, etc.)

5:30pm  

Where was the !*&^#%! caterer?!  Why hasn’t my husband come back downstairs yet? 

Well, I resisted going back upstairs to check on the Napoleon Wars, but I did.  What I found has been indelibly written on my brain.  I will try to paint you a picture.  After fending off Jasper who wanted desperately to get into Maddie’s room, I open the door.  Every single book in Maddie’s room (she has a TON of books) had been pulled from the shelves and propped against the sides of the twin beds (bedrail to floor).  I think this was to prevent the rabbit from going under the beds.  AND, there is rabbit poop everywhere!  It was hard NOT to walk on it.  EWWWW!

You have to picture this – one of the twin beds had been completely sealed off by princess stories, Junie B. Jones books, etc.  Mike, was laying on his stomach on the other twin bed with his head by the foot of the bed with a big book in his hands – it was the only opening available to Napoleon who was trapped under the bed.  The funny thing was that they had made a walled path the led to the rabbit’s cage – the walls were made of stacked books.  So,  if the Rabbit came out from under the bed, it would be forced to go toward the cage or back under the bed.  It clearly had taken the 30 minutes to construct this “Rabbit Trap” of sorts.   His plan was to seal the opening with the big book once the rabbit came out from under the bed.  He said that every time he tried to cover the entrance, the little bugger would sneak back under the bed.  Apparently, rabbits are really fast! 

I took over at this point and asked Mike to go downstairs because I needed something to distract me from the fact that the caterer was STILL NOT here!  Okay, so now I’M laying on the bed on my stomach with big book and BAM!  Napoleon came out, I sealed the opening to the under-bed hiding spot and coaxed him into the cage – a total of 5 minutes!  Now, I will admit that Mike did set up the “trap”, but I must be faster than a rabbit!

Of course, now there is the complete MESS that is Maddie’s room.  How are we going to get all of that rabbit poop from under the beds?  What about all of the books?  Maddie might have to sleep with her sister tonight!

6:00pm

After congratulating myself and grabbing Jasper,  I headed downstairs because the guests are finally arriving, and the caterer?  Well, he finally showed up!  He saw multiple cars at our next door neighbor’s house and started unloading at their house instead of ours!  I guess that was why he was late.  Well, he had about 20 minutes to get set up before the Birthday Girl was due to arrive (my father is NEVER late).  The caterer was going on about how he got lost, went to the wrong house, blah, blah, blah!  Just hurry up and get the food set up!! I don’t care about how you got lost!  Really!

6:30pm

The caterer was just finishing the food set-up (after everyone helped him get all of the “catering stuff and food” into the house) when the birthday girl arrived (right on time, I might add!).  Now, to mom and dad, everything looked perfect! Whew!  If it weren’t for the ingenuity of my husband, the hardworking Nancys and my daughter, Rachel, this day could have ended up a disaster.  Mom was truly surprised and the party was a great success.

BTW, the Rabbit lived and we gladly passed him along to the next family that following Saturday. . . . . . . .  .Good luck!

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OMG! Birds, Bees, Tweens & Teens

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According to the Youth Risk Behavior Survey (2007), a good third of middle schoolers have had sex before they enter high school.  This statistic made me choke on my coffee!  I heard it on the Today Show when they interviewed Amber Madison who is the author of the book, Talking Sex with Your Kids.  Next time I get to the bookstore, I’m going to get it.  That statistic blew me away – 1 in 3 kids.  I mean, I’m not naive in thinking that kids aren’t sexually active, it was just the high % at the early age.  Yikes!

Well, I’m sure a lot of parents struggle with discussing this topic with their children (or is it just me?).  My s-e-x talk between my mother and me was, let’s just say, not very informative.  My mom inherited my grandmother’s sense of modesty and just couldn’t bring herself to do it (love you, mom!).  I really got all of my B&B information from my friends and, as you know, that information is not always accurate or reliable.

So, I have decided to take the opposite approach to these “discussions” with my children.  My two lovely daughters (15 & 13) are SO different (which is to be expected), so that requires different strategies in approaching this topic.   It’s hard enough coming up with one strategy let alone two!  My son is next on the radar, but I’m thinking Mike should take this over.  I mean, I’m not sure Jack will want to hear this information from his Mother, right?  But, I will do what  a mother has to do.

“Shock & Awe” Strategy

My oldest daughter is the modest one (she gets that from her dad – clearly not moi) – I can’t even talk about shaving legs in front of  her!  She gets too embarrassed – wow, she has been the tough one.  That girl can talk 14 hours straight (it has been documented), but she WILL NOT give me an opening to talk about anything birdie or buzzy.  I know that every kid is different in how they process information etc.  But, I can’t help wondering if we marred her sensibilities early on when she was impressionable.  I can recall one instance that was (embarrassingly) relayed to us one afternoon by her grandparents (Mike’s parents): 

My in-laws were watching Rachel and she had to be around 3 years old.  As I recall the story, Nancy was talking to Rachel about graduating from baths to showers and had recommended to Rachel that she try it by taking a shower with her mommy some time.  And, Rachel, right on cue says to my mom-in-law, “You mean like daddy does?”. Ba-da-bum! 

Because she has refused to lend me a hand in any way,  I’ve labeled her B&B talk strategy ” Shock & Awe”.  Shock and awe, technically known as rapid dominance, is a military doctrine based on the use of overwhelming power, dominant battlefield awareness, dominant maneuvers, and spectacular displays of force to paralyze an adversary’s (or child’s) perception of the battlefield and destroy its will to fight.

My first attempts at talking with Rachel began between 5th and 6th grade and I had to create my own opportunities.  BTW, that is VERY hard to do if you want to be sly and sneaky,  and not “Honey, I think it’s time for the talk”.  So, I usually talk to her in the car because she can’t escape.  Fortunately, she hasn’t caught on to this because she keeps joining me on my errand runs!  Any way, my “Shock & Awe” strategy involves pouncing on her with talk, ignoring the inevitable protests and trying to “destroy her will to fight” (see above definition of S&A).  What else can I do?  She doesn’t leave me any options, so she gets info whether she wants it or not.  Of course, then she gets all huffy, BUT she has to listen because she is trapped in a moving vehicle :).  I get the “Do we have to talk about this now?”  AND a big giant eye roll. 

Since she doesn’t give me any hints or openings for discussion, I have to guess what topics should be expounded upon – I think I’ve done okay so far (but, how can I really know?).  My usual tact is to take a news headline and start the conversation that way.  Unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you want to view it), the news outlets have an endless supply of material for me. 

The one drawback to the “Shock & Awe” strategy is information retention.  Is she really retaining anything I’m saying?  I just don’t know – instead of paying attention to the words coming out of my mouth, she is probably internally reacting to the surprise of the unexpected conversation and then beginning to plot on how to get me to just “shut up about it”.  Hmmmm, which Harry Potter spell would be best?  “Stupefy!” – knocks out an opponent;  “Imperio!” – power to control your opponent; or maybe, “Immobulus!” – renders your target immobile.  Meanwhile during Rachel’s internal struggle, I’m imparting the wisdom of the ages! HEL-LO!!

I’m not sure what to do about this unintended side effect, I can’t really give her a semester exam to see what she knows and what we need to review. 

“Be Prepared!” Strategy

The Scout Motto is: BE PREPARED which means you are always in a state of readiness in mind and body to do your DUTY.

I am borrowing the Boy Scout Motto, “BE PREPARED”  for this strategy – all will be revealed when you keep reading.  Maddie is the interrogator (I think every family has one and in our family, it was my sister) and the interrogations (pick a topic, ANY topic) seem to most often occur in the car (I guess I know how Rachel feels – Maddie pulls the “shock & awe” on me).  She was in 4th or 5th grade when we had the B-I-G talk in the car (how and when did parents have the B&B talks prior to the invention of the automobile?) – she starts the conversation by asking the question, “How do you know when you are pregnant?”.  At the time, I think I mentioned that one of her cousins was expecting.  Whoa, okay, what?!  She was at the age when they’ve seen the “movies” at school and we had already talked about the “monthly visit from Aunt Flo”.  So, I guess this was a perfect time to take that discussion to the next level – she gave me an opening and I needed to take it.

Mommy:  “You know how we’ve talked about periods?”

Maddie:  “Yeah”

Mommy:  “Well, when a woman gets pregnant, the lining of the uterus is like food for the fertilized egg.  So, when a woman’s period stops, then she knows she pregnant.

Maddie:  “Oh, okay. s-i-l-e-n-c-e.  How DO you get pregnant anyway?”

Mommy:  [What?! I hadn’t planned on having  THE talk in the CAR! This must be how Rachel feels.]   Hmmmm….. Okay. So I start with the “woman has the egg and the man has the sperm.” ” Both of these pieces together make embryo that eventually develops into a baby.” [Whew!  Glad that’s over!]

Maddie:  “How does the sperm get to the egg?  Do you have to go to a doctor’s office or a hospital to get this done?”

Mommy (giggling a bit):  [Oh, My God!  When is this going to end? I’m mean I’m trying to drive the car! I’ve always heard that you need to take the cues from your kids and if they keep going, you should as well. So, . . . .]  “Ummmm, well, you know how you have a va***a and boys have a p**is (she has seen her little brother walking around in his naked phase).  Those parts fit together like puzzle pieces . . . . . “

Maddie:  “Puzzle pieces?”

Mommy:  [I tried to make an image with my hands (see pic above)]  “Yes, puzzle pieces.  Men and women were made to fit together and when they do that it is called sex .” 

Maddie:  [She was quiet, then the] Do you and daddy do that?

Mommy:  “Well, yes, we did that for you, your sister and brother.”

Maddie:  “Just the three times?”

Mommy:  “Ummm, No.”  [And, then I proceed to talk about sex and how people do this because they like being close, it’s an expression of love, it’s enjoyable,  it’s not for just making babies, etc. Yikes, really not how I would have liked to have had this conversation, but I was not in control!]

Maddie (a slight confused look):  “You and daddy?  Where do you do this?”

Mommy:  [Now, I’m just mentally exhausted!]  ” Well, you know how daddy and I share the same bed?”

Maddie (eyes as big as saucers):  “EEEEWWWWW!  That’s gross!”  [Poor thing.  Like I said, I think I would have prepared something a little better, but I was working on the fly! Remember, BE PREPARED!]

Now that did it!  That final light bulb going on signaled the end of this B&B conversation.  But, I did tell her that I don’t think she should share with her friends what we’ve discussed.  Her friends’ parents would probably like to provide this information in their own way.  She assured me that she definitely would not be sharing this information with her friends (I think it is because she didn’t want to think about it!).  I could just picture her going to school and confusing the kids with the puzzle pieces thing and then telling them about what is going on in their parents’ bedrooms!  I kept envisioning a call from the Principal’s office, but it never came. Whew!

I have not shared details about any of Rachel’s conversations, because they are NOT conversations in the traditional sense.  They more closely resemble lectures. 

Of course, every time I have one of those discussions with the girls, I inform Mike so he is up to speed.  Whenever I give him the update, he just looks at me like, “I really don’t want to hear this” and is probably having the same internal struggle that Rachel has while talking with me (see Shock & Awe section).  So, again, I’m not sure of the information retention.

Parenthood is crazy and I really love it.  The kids really keep me on my toes!  It is exhausting always being on high alert, isn’t it?  Well, that is what we signed up for whether we knew it or not!

Bring it on!

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“Don’t Let the Bedbugs Bite!” & Other Sayings

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Spring Break 2010!  We took the kids to Gatlinburg, TN  last year for Spring Break 2009 and they LOVED it so much they wanted to go back.  It is a perfect place for kids – tons of Kountry Krap stores, putt-putt courses, Ripley’s Believe it or Not!  attractions (Ripley’s owns that town – Aquarium, Odditorium, Haunted Adventure, Mirror Maze, Moving Theater, Guinness World of Records, Mini-Golf), Candy Stores, T-shirt Stores, etc.

Mike & I have been to the Gatlinburg area 4 times (including this time) for various excursions.  The last two times we have been to Gatlinburg, we have rented a “cabin” (it is really a house) from the same company, Smoky Mountain Chalet Rentals, because we have had really good luck with them and the cabins are really nice and consistent in quality.

Tuesday, April 6th:

We were to arrive on Tuesday, April 6th and depart on Saturday, April 10th.  So, we arrive around 4pm on Tuesday to the craziness that is Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg (and, it is not even close to peak season!).  We do our usual grocery stop at the Kroger Store in Pigeon Forge at Stop Light #3 which is always interesting (maybe a topic for another post).  You have to drive through Pigeon Forge to get to Gatlinburg – our cabin is situated in a really pretty stretch of road between PF and G.  There is really only one road through this area (which is CRAZY) so it takes about 45 minutes to go about 7 miles (I’m as serious as a heart attack).

Our lovely cabin, the Wild Rose, is located at the top of a mountain and Mike has to drive the poor, loaded down mini-van in low gear the entire way in order to coax it to the top (it was a little unnerving at times – the van is not made for off-roading).  We get the groceries and luggage unloaded, the kids pick their beds, we try out the pool table,  the kids check out the deck & hot tub, etc.  Ahhhhh, we are finally on vacation.  While everyone was checking out the cabin and beginning to relax, I fixed dinner.  We bought something easy to cook at the Kroger (where I got carded BTW!) so we could watch American Idol (it is a family must). 

Okay, so now it is bedtime!  By the time we got the kids settled and in bed, it was around 11pm.  Mike and I retired to our nice, spacious bedroom – check out the Wild Rose link above and you can see the pictures of the rooms in our cabin.  We turned out the lights – Mike was reading a book with a booklight and I began to drift off to sleep.  It had been a long day!

As I was drifting off to sleep, I thought I felt something on my arm, but I told myself that it was my hair.  Then, I thought I felt something again, but I was SO tired – I must be imagining things.  During this battle in my sleepy brain, Mike was over on his side of the bed moving around and being all fidgety.  Finally, I rolled over to tell him to “Settle Down” and then I see him swatting something off of him and slapping his arm.  Okay,  the sleepy brain is now wide awake and I hopped out of that bed faster than you can blink.  We stared at each other for a moment and then the conversation:

Mike:  “We have a bug problem.”

Jenni:   “What are they?”

Mike:  “I think they are ticks.”

Jenni:  “What?!! Ticks?”

 
Okay, now we are F R E A K I N G OUT!!!  We start running our hands through our hair – I think I did that about 20 times. Then I got my comb and combed my hair over and over and over and over again.  Mike was doing the same thing.  Then I found one on the inside of the sleeve of my pajamas!!!! YUCK!  Now, I’m running into the bathroom to do a complete body check (sorry for the image).  We don’t want Lyme Disease!! 

I’m completely shaking at this point and Mike has killed about 2 dozen of the damn things in the meantime.  They just keep coming out of the headboard – it was like a really, really bad campy horror movie.  So, now we are  as far away from the bed as possible staring at each other again not knowing what we should do (it is about midnight at this point). 

What do we do now?

Do we wake up the kids and check their beds (they were sleeping soundly)?  Our girls have amazing bug radars and we felt that they would have been up already if there was an issue.

Do we call the owners?  What could they possibly do for us at midnight? 

It took us a long time to decide not to wake the kids, not to call the owners and to sleep on the couches.  We found some sheets in a closet, inspected them closely and went out and “slept” in the living room.  I ran my fingers through my hair until I dozed off and Mike never really went to sleep.

Wednesday, April 7th

Well, it is morning and, of course, the kids are wondering why we are sleeping on the couch.  We confessed the horror of the night before and told them that we would be moving  this day to a new place – but where?  Mike called the owners and told him that the cabin had an infestation of some sort and the owner agreed to send over an exterminator, would see about another cabin, and call us back.  Well, guess what?  He had no other cabins!! What the heck are we going to do now???

The exterminator shows up and both Mike and I follow him to the bedroom – what’s the diagnosis?  Now, the really yucky thing is that the “bugs” were on the headboard still, but you could barely see them in the daylight.  You had to know what to look for.  Okay, the bug guy thinks they look like ticks as well. I had him check the kids’ beds – NO bugs.  Whew! Did he know any numbers for other cabin rentals that we could call?  He did!  Thank goodness.  He gave us 2 leads – what a great, helpful guy!  He leaves to get some bug spray to de-tick the headboard as a short-term measure.  They need to de-bug the entire place, but can’t until we leave.  We can’t leave until we have a new plan.  “BTW, do we need to worry about our suitcases and clothing that were in the room?”  (Mike had put his clothes in the dresser – my suitcase was still packed, but zipped up on the floor.)  Bug Man recommended putting all of our clothes through a full dryer cycle as that would kill any bugs and any eggs (EWWWWWWWWW!).

We call the first number he gave us, they have a place for us AND it is cheaper than the buggy cabin – Jackson Mountain Homes!  Yeah!  She (I think it is Christine) needs to see when she can have it ready – we need to call her back in about 15 minutes.  Sweet! Not 2 minutes later, we get a call from the buggy cabin owners and guess what?!! The bugs are NOT ticks  – they are BEDBUGS!!!  Bedbugs? Really?  Bedbugs?  Those things are REAL??!?!?  So, he tells my husband that their bites are harmless like a mosquito’s, but we need to take serious precautions to prevent bringing them home with us (all you need is one female with eggs and you’re screwed!).  We should wash and dry all of our clothes and spray our bags with bug spray.  So, he will refund all of our money and throw in an extra $25 for laundry and bug spray (wow, how generous).  This is not what we had planned for our vacation – this was really beginning to suck.  But, wait, it gets better….

It has been more than 15 minutes and now it is time to call Jackson Mountain Homes!  (Ever since the Bug Man told me to run our clothes through a dryer that’s what  I had been doing).  I was in the laundry area and I hear Mike’s voice getting louder and louder and some expletives flowing and then, BAM!, the phone has been slammed.  I run out of the laundry room to inquire about the tantrum and he says that Jackson Mountain Homes won’t rent to us now because of the bedbug infestation.  What??  How did she know?  We only just found out ourselves about 2 minutes ago.  It had to be the exterminator!!!  Why did he do that to us (did he know “Christine”)?  Were we now pariahs in Gatlinburg?  Had we been blacklisted for all rentals?

ARMED & DANGEROUS!!!

WANTED DEAD or ALIVE

DO NOT RENT TO!! If you see them approaching lock your doors and hide under your desks!

This was the craziest damn vacation I had ever experienced.  We sat the kids on the couch and warned them that we may not be able to stay in Gatlinburg (there were probably wanted posters going up all over Gatlinburg as soon as Mike hung up on “Christine” – we had bugs AND we weren’t afraid to use them!) and that we may have to improvise and possibly go to Memphis or Nashville.  They were all in and troopers about the whole thing!

Mike called the second number that the jerky Bug Man gave us – Gatlinburg Real Estate Rentals.  We all held our breath while he called . . . . . . . . . we were in luck!  The Engledow family did not seem to be blacklisted (or maybe they hadn’t seen the posters yet) AND they had a cabin for us!   We were going to be staying in the Dream Catcher .  Well, needless to say, the cabin was free of bedbugs, we extended our stay one more day (due to our lost day) and had a great time!  However, I did make Mike check all of the beds a couple of times before we went to bed that first night.

What I didn’t tell you is that while we were moving from one cabin to another, I did research on my smartphone about bedbugs.  I wish I hadn’t done that, but I needed to know what we might be in for.  Now I know A LOT about bedbugs so if you have a question, just ask me.  I have now added another item to my worry list (I need that like I need a hole in the head).

The final part of our story is that when we got back home on Sunday, April 11th, we pulled in the driveway, unloaded the entire car, and transferred all of our clothes, stuffed animals and coats to trash bags.  Rachel and I took the trash bags full of clothes to a laundromat for a thorough cleaning and drying – we did not want to bring anything into the house until it had been properly decontaminated.  Mike sprayed down every suitcase, toiletry bag and backpack with bug spray.  He also sprayed down the van after we got home.  Not really how I wanted to spend my afternoon after riding in a car for 6.5 hours, but we needed to feel that we had done all we could to keep the bedbugs from biting!

As the saying goes:

“Don’t Let the Bedbugs Bite!”

Unknown's avatar

Jen’s Mid-Life Crisis

by

As I somewhat alluded to in my Thoughts on “What If?” post, I’m feeling a little aimless. It has been 3 years since I jumped off of the merry-go-round and I’m still looking for that thing that will make me eager to jump out of bed every morning (oops – besides my family, of course), you know, My Purpose (I know that this is not an original quest). It dawned on me today that I’m 3 years into my mid-life crisis and I still haven’t made much progress. Don’t get me wrong, I am very blessed in my life – I have a wonderful husband, amazing children, loving parents and sister, etc. We have a home in a great neighborhood, my husband is doing well professionally and we have wonderful friends. I should feel fulfilled and not be this restless, yet here I am.

According to most people in my life, quitting my full-time job and going part-time has allowed me to be available to my children 24/7, you know, like a Meijer store (was I only available like 12/7 before?) – now I’m able to provide my children with untold benefits, experiences, etc. I get the fact that now it is a lot easier for my children to participate in more afterschool activities and to play with the neighborhood children more. So, now that also meant that I was more available to be the family’s social secretary, budget master, banker, tutor, taxi, chef, EMT, counselor, sports enthusiast, maid, judge & jury, taskmaster, etc. So, duh, THAT must be my purpose!  Whew, I’m glad we got that cleared up.

Wait a minute, if I’m doing such a great thing for the kids now, does that imply that I was doing a shitty job before? Hmmmm. I do think that would be the implication – what else could these well-meaning, yet back-handed, statements mean? Did my kids feel lonely, abandoned, unloved, ignored, and deprived when I was working full-time? (I don’t really believe that.) Because, of course, my husband working full-time apparently didn’t have that same impact. Yikes! Had I completely screwed up my kids already? They were 7, 10 & 13 when I quit the FT gig. I didn’t think we really started “ruining” their lives until they were in Jr. High. Oh Shoot, I was ahead of schedule!

I do want to stress that I have very much enjoyed being be able to hang out with my kids more. They are so interesting at the ages that they are now – we have really great conversations and I love the individuals that they are becoming. Rachel is near the end of her sophomore year and will be graduating in two years, Maddie is in junior high and we all remember what that is like, and Jack is my baby and in elementary school still, so I’m glad to be able to spend more time with all of them. BUT, why is it that I am considered a little nuts (maybe even whiny) for not being completely satisfied? Well, how could I not be 100% contented knowing that my mere presence (and now MORE of it!) brings boundless joy and happiness to my children everyday? YEAH, RIGHT! My daughter (I won’t tell you which one) disputes this statement every so often by stomping up the stairs yelling, “I HATE YOU!”. Yep, a therapist might be in her future (I actually think being around more has pretty much guaranteed it)!

I have repeatedly talked to my closest friends about this topic and, of course, we have determined that all women are not the same. Not really an “Aha!” moment, but it’s nice to confirm common sense notions aloud once in a while. I do enjoy working outside the home and contributing in that way – I always have. What I didn’t want to continue doing was working 50-55 hours per week. The part-time job I have now was a real blessing when I first quit my FT job. It is not stressful at all and it was exactly what the doctor ordered. But now, I think maybe I need something more and something different, but what?

Why did it take me this long to get to this realization? Well, I think it was because I have been trying to tell myself that I was fine because apparently there was really no reason to not be fine. Everyone else thought my situation was perfect, so it must be, right? I mean, I have a 30-hr a week job with a fantastic boss, I work during school hours so I can get my kids on and off the bus, I’m home in time to start the taxi service and usually cook a meal, AND I don’t have to work until midnight. Oh, and I can work from home whenever I need to. What’s not to like? (Wow, when I put it in writing, I am asking myself, “What is wrong with me?”)

Do I need a more interesting hobby or something different professionally? If I were to do something different professionally, what the heck would it be? I’ve been surfing small business idea websites just to brainstorm. Starting my own business has never really been a dream of mine – I don’t really think I have the moxy (or the fearlessness) required for that. The websites say to do something that you like (interests, hobbies, etc). When I was working full-time, I didn’t have time to develop any real hobbies that could lead to a career change. Okay, so what do I like to do? Hmmm . . . . .

Reading – I don’t see much of a job in this. A lot of people like to read. I’m not a literature major and I don’t have the qualifications to work in the editing field.

Crossword puzzles – I like solving them, not creating them.

Painting – I just started painting and I really don’t see a career blossoming from this hobby (see painting to the right).

Numbers – I was a math major and love to work with numbers. I’m always within arm’s reach of a calculator – I know, I know. Please don’t say it (Geek!).

Computers – I love computers (you can say it again, “Geek!”). I actually toyed with the idea of majoring in computers instead of math – why the heck didn’t I do that?!! However, I am mostly self-taught and I pay attention any time a computer professional is working on my computer. I’m not afraid to press a button! But, what can I really do with imitation computer skills?

Organization – What is there to say? I’m a fairly organized individual, but I’m not sure I would be very good at helping others get organized. Did you know that there is a National Association of Professional Organizers? Is there a college degree for that? Anyway, there is definitely something for everyone.

Cooking – I love cooking, but I follow other people’s recipes. I don’t create my own. Catering wouldn’t really be something I could do. What else can you do when you like cooking?

Should I go back to school? If I did, what would I study? I haven’t really pursued this option because we don’t have the finances for it – in two years we will be putting our first one through college. But, it does cross my mind once in a while.

If I were to gain a new hobby – what would it be? I’m doing oil painting classes now and that has been fun, but my classmates are intimidating. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself after 5 lessons, but my paintings look like caveman drawings or maybe kindergarten finger paintings (see pic above) compared to my fellow painters. It will be Y-E-A-R-S before something could actually develop from this hobby. I’ve also tried knitting; however, I haven’t developed beyond the basic dishcloth and winter scarf. I still don’t know how to pearl! I don’t think that selling kitschy knitted items is in my future anytime soon. My current problem with hobby-development is that I really don’t have any more time than I did when I was working full-time. It’s weird, but true (I have some theories on why that is, but I won’t expand on them here).

All I know is that I need to either accept my current status and drop it or create a plan to move forward. I guess this leads back to the “What If?” question. This question is really starting to annoy the crap out of me!

I guess I need to brainstorm a little more. . . . .

 

 

Unknown's avatar

The Strangest Snack Daddy Never Had

by

Maddie was about 5 years old (& Rachel 8 yrs old) which would mean that the funniest family dinner ever occurred in 2002.  This involves two separate stories that became intertwined in the brain of our Miss Maddie over one family dinner.  Story #1 involves Mike, a shoe and a toothpick and Story #2 involves Mike, Rachel and a toothpick.  These stories were conveyed immediately one after the other – this is an important fact to keep in mind.  Story #2 was prompted by Story #1 due to the common theme of toothpicks.

Story #1 – Mike, the shoe and the missing toothpicks.  We are sitting at the table and the dialogue begins –

Mike:  “By the way, where do we keep our toothpicks?”

Me:  “They are usually with the spices in the cabinet near the oven.  Why?”

Mike:  “Well, I stepped in dog poop outside in the front yard this morning and needed some toothpicks to get it out of my shoe. And, I couldn’t find the toothpicks so I had to use paper towels.  It was a mess.” 

Story #2 – Mike, Rachel and the toothpick.  Our oldest, Rachel, has always had a uniquely wonderful and quirky sense of humor – she can find humor in just about anything even when it really isn’t funny.  Mike mentioning the elusive toothpicks reminded Rachel (age 8 yrs) of a story that she wanted to tell about her day: 

Rachel was with Mike for most of the afternoon running errands and while they were out, they grabbed some sustenance at the Steak ‘n Shake.  The one thing that you need to know about my husband is that if the restaurant has toothpicks, he must grab one!  Okay, so he grabs a toothpick as they were leaving the Steak ‘n Shake , and when he gets into the car, promptly drops it – he drops it between the seat and the console.  Due to Mike’s massive forearms (according to you-know-who), he could not retrieve the wayward toothpick.  Rachel, with her tiny forearm and fingers, was able to carefully extract the item from the abyss into which it had fallen. Next, according to Rachel (and this is where she starts the giggling), she handed it back to daddy and he dropped it again into the same black hole!  I think this is when Mike decided that he was meant to have food stuck in his teeth and gave up. This was funny stuff to an 8 yr old!  Apparently, she cracked up then and was laughing silly at the dinner table during the re-telling.  I have to admit the rest of us sat there kind of stoned-faced waiting for the story to get funny.  (I did laugh a little at how much she was getting a kick out of it.)

 

At some point during the b-o-r-i-n-g toothpick/Steak ‘n Shake story, Maddie gets up from the table, goes to the spice cabinet and finds the toothpicks for her daddy.  She brings them to the table, gives them to Mike and sits down.

There was a pause in the action/discussion at the table and then Maddie, with a very confused look on her face, sweetly asks (wait for it. . . .wait for it), 

 “But, Daddy, how did you get poop stuck in your teeth?”

 

Then, there was a …….H U S H……… Mike and I stared at each other, and then the light bulbs when on for both of us.  The poor thing had thought the two stories were related somehow and she had become confused as both stories were being told at the dinner table. 

Maddie’s Brain trying to digest the story she just heard:

“Did Daddy eat poo by mistake??”

“Did poo accidentally fall into his open mouth while he was talking to someone??”

“Was he sleeping outside with his mouth wide open and some poo fell in??”

“Did someone disguise some poo as a snack as a joke and he didn’t know??”

For Maddie, toothpicks were things that one uses to pick things out of one’s teeth. PERIOD.  She thought her daddy needed some assistance in getting something unsavory out from between his teeth.

Well, you can imagine what happened next – we burst into uncontrollable laughter for what seemed like 5 minutes – Mike and I couldn’t speak we were laughing so hard (again with the tears!).  Rachel started laughing just because it was a funny question to ask your father and Jack, being only 2, was laughing because everyone else was laughing.  The only one not laughing was Maddie because she didn’t understand what just happened, she really just wanted an answer.

Once Mike was able to get a hold of himself, he tried to reassure our confused 5 yr old that he had not, at any time, noshed on dog poo and that the two stories were completely unrelated.  It took her a while to be convinced of that.

We will never really know what images were floating through that girl’s head that night at the dinner table – we will have to leave that up to, well, . . . . . the imagination!